|Posted on April 18, 2016 at 10:15 AM|
So I have been doing some new studies and I get it. Brain studies (and look at the frontal cortex of the brain.) What you are seeing is that LACK of brain activity. :-( So what you will be looking at is current information over many people who have studied the brain, the impact on the brain's way to think, process information and seeing where a person may be at in their lives. The ability to make healthy decisions. This includes if a person can logically and mindfully tell if they are at risk or if they are putting the other person at risk. This looks bad.
How much porn is in your life? Do you live in a culture where sex sells all around you? Are you affected? Only you can tell, you can you?
Are you stress out alot and need to drink? Smoke? Coffee for a kickstart?
VIOLENCE: behavior involving physical force intended to hurt, damage, or kill someone or something.
(being real or just acting)
Do you live around violence, sex or drugs? How much violence or sex do you watch on tv? Do you live in a culture where violance, sex or alcohol sells or is a form of entertainment?
So my point, why is sexual abuse/offending still going on and growing? Why are so many good people changing their thinking behaviors over time? DO YOU GET IT?!? Where these thinking behavors can lead you? One more question? What are questionable desires to you?
I also want you to look up this information for yourself. It will raise your awareness and get that brain of your engaging again. This is a good thing. Don't be scared, Be aware. And all this can be undone over time. Their have been many, many any times in prison where I heard " I can't believe I was doing that back them." The one good thing about prison is that I will separate the person from the habit and other stimulations. Also, you need to be mindful and careful of dangerous situations. This kicks in the frontal cortex of the brain. So over a few years, they are more closer to normal activity in the brain. When they look back, when I looked back at the crime I committed, I was shocked. I could not believe I did that. I didn't even know how I even started back then. I DO NOW!!! This is why I start this nonprofit.
How can the person (now) do the crime back then? I couldn't, I am a different person now. My Brain, mindfullyness and awareness are fully engaged. I do daily focuses and exercises to keep them engaged. Not back in the day when I was focus on sex ( and my past weekness anime porn every day.) :-( But to note that I also did other things that lead up to my hurtful behavior.
One more thing, I have studied and invented a brain exercise that I have found that will engage the whole brain (especially the frontal cortex) over a month instead of over years. I will share this information as soon as I post it on open public patent site, so no one can charge huge amounts of money for this process. Give me about a month to study and post safely. It will blow you away and I want it to be tested to see if my facts are true.
|Posted on March 10, 2016 at 12:55 AM|
So for right now, I am at a struggle on what is the balance of showing shame alive, the lies about how bad sex offenders are, and the truths about how sexual offending still goes on creating hurt and pain. How do I tell you that the reason that this is such a conflicting conversation this is because the people doing the hurting, are the people you love and trusted and are meant to protect you.
How do I start this conversation? That truthfully, both side are hurting, are lost, and are both embarrassed? So hear is a sad truth I have personal learned. A person can not love another without loving themselves. ( this will break my heart and I am so sorry )
A person can hurt somebody as much as they hurt or has hurt them selves. This hurt can come from anywhere. And this is what is happening. From what I am seeing, we are numbing ourselves, becoming disconnected and then medicating our selves (offending) just to fell better in hurtful ways.
And the truth is that this only creates more hurt on both sides, more lost and more confusion.
So what is needed, to hold a new open awareness. To start a whole new conversation. This means also to hold a sacred, painful, messy space to hear and open to healing. And this will hurt, this will ask you to expand your fragile heart to places you have never been. But I am here to tell you, there is freedom in that broken heart. We will have to go past ourselves to fix it. And maybe in the pain, we will fall against one another, so we can see each other falling down, wondering... what happened? What started this? And maybe, just maybe we will start asking the right questions of what will it take to get back up?
We all know at some level that we can not do this alone. We will have to see if the other person on the ground can see us, can hear us, in this sacred, painful, messy space. We are going to have to crawl to one another, so in the beginning push against one another, share the pain of one another, so when we stand, we can support one another, because at this time, we can not stand by our selves.
That because only healing and forgiveness makes us light enough and strong enough to stand alone.
|Posted on March 8, 2016 at 12:10 AM|
These video I am posting are about the sex and rape culture we still have around the world. It brakes my heart because it still needs to be said, because it is growing, because we do not talk about it. I have so many mixed feeling on posting these videos, because I know personally that people can change their behavor like I did and personlly know people who will never sexual offend again. People can and will change, but we still need to change the culture. We need to care, we need to be mindful, and we need to raise awareness.
So as a person who committed sexual abuse in my past, I HONOR, LOVE AND RESPECT THESE AMAZING WOMEN FOR HAVING THE COURAGE TO SHARE THEIR AWARENESS IN ENDING SEXUAL ABUSE, OFFENDING AND RAPE. I SUPPORT THEIR MISSION. HERE ARE THEIR PERONAL STORIES TEDx TALKS. WOW is all I have to say.
And now I moved them and gave them their own page called L.T. Shame or LISTENING TO SHAME. The over all goal is to reduce and someday end, not only how we treat women but to end the sexual abuse,offending and violent rape crimes and violent against women, like acid being thrown on their faces. I was trying to look up one and was shocked on how many women this has happen too. I am really mad... I mean, really, really upset (do I need to tell you what humen beings will do to human beings or what men will do to women) it still creates anger in me...because all I can do is share their story.
|Posted on March 6, 2016 at 4:15 PM|
So this is what I am see, If you are angry, sad, hurt, frustrated, or anything emotion, the experts, say that it is good to talk about it. Find a friend who can hear you and talk it out. This makes sense to me. I see this work all the time, and over time. In my life I have seen situations were people wanted to kill other friends and family members. It's kinda funny sometimes. Everybody jumps in, everybody wants to contribute, or be "the expert" of "I know what you are going through" and this is how you should do it. All too funny sometime, but I love seeing the support.
But there is one area I don't even see this in. So I will put it this why, There is a whole lot that can be done, way, way before the offending happens. So why are we not helping. And I going to answer why all these good people are (to say it nicly) having all these sexual struggles. This is my personal reseach report that I started 10 years ago? Why 10 years ago? You should ask what I did 11 years ago that started me on my jourey.
So lets start with needing to be a fighter, needing to be loud. This all sells well. Look at al the wrestling programs that are growing. (Entertaiment) All the movies with all there fight sences with all there guns. Trucks that roll over cars just to smash them. Look at some of our sports. Which ones of you call more violent. And they all sell. N.V.C. NonViolent Communication was create because violent is part of the language. Violence is a part of our culture. Sense I have been born, the U.S. has gone to war multiple times. Think about this, on your bad days when you fall into a bad habit, what is it? Yelling? are you mad? do you hit things, car, pillow, people, punching bag or do you just slam things down? stomp, make a seen? (do you get it?) The culture?
So what is in our culture that sells more than Violence? S..E..X Sex sells. Look at all the movies. Look at all these beautiful sexy people selling stuff. I remember reading an article that the best selling dolls were the ones with the least amount of clothes. Look at my sexy new car. Sexy new abs. Bootylicious, it's a real word, I just looked it up. Look at most of our new pop songs. Look at most rapper surrounding them selves with women. (And not all rappers.) Power is related to sex. A man with power can have any women he wants and as many as he wants for sex and as displays. (I know that is not tolally true), but it was the way I was brought up to believe from what I saw and what I saw was POWER related to having a collection of sexy women.(my environment, my culture and these were my thoughts at one time.) How many movie stars do you know that were caught in a sex scandal. Any senators or congressman or higher ups you can think of? Have you seen the list of people that have been caught, I have, they cover every area of the jobs market out there that have ever been created. In every positions ever hold in goverment or religion. (So do you get it?) Our culture?
Why are so many good people sexual struggling? Check these videos out and I will bring it back around.
So I still think it is a good idea about asking for help when we have a culture that heavy supports sex. But be aware of who you are asking. Ask and share with the right people. And I know this is hard to ask, but DO NOT BE ASHAMED THAT YOU WERE EFFECTED BY THE LIVING ENVIRONMENT AND CULTURE. You are not alone. It still makes sense to me, to talk about what you are struggling with. But with the right person or experts!!! Help me stop the hurt. Please help me stop the offending and the abuse the best we can. And It helps a lot to take N.V.C. No matter what side you are playing, being the communicator or the listener?
I also want to tell you that this is not an excuse or blame shift for the hurtful decisions I chose that lead me to create a victim. I take full responsibility and accountability for my action.
I ALSO TAKE FULL RESPONSIBILITY AND ACCOUNTABILITY FOR SUPPORTING THIS SEXUAL CULTURE I HELP CREATE BY BUYING AND WATCHING THEIR STUFF. :-(
I NOW TAKE FULL RESPONSIBILITY AND ACCOUNTABILITY TO SHARE AND SHOW THE HURT AND DAMAGE THIS "SELLING SEX CULTURE" CREATES. THIS IS ONLY THE FIRST STEPS ON A JOURNEY TO HIGHER AWARENESS AND CONSCIOUSNESS TO INNER FREEDOM, THAT LEAD TO FEELING LIGHTER, MORE JOYFUL AND OPEN HEARTEDNESS. :-)
|Posted on February 26, 2016 at 3:20 AM|
This is my vision board for now. As I grow and complete my goals, this board will change. Some parts are life time and some part are (until completed.) I have only created a few, but never stuck with them long enough to complete them. I have this one posted as my back ground on my laptop. So what is a vision board supposed to do? Simple, engaging the brain, your emotions and your drive. Your brain is you puzzle solver. Over time, it will solve your puzzle, it is what it loves to do. :-) Give it enough infromation, ( through what works and doesn't work) and your brain will solve it over time. Remember, a airplane flies against the wind for maximum lift and is constantly adjusting to make it destination. Airplanes are off course 90% of the time. Did you know that, and yet they still make it.
Your emotions at work. (feeling about something) Everone of these pictures (except for a few, beinging is a little different) has the feeling of what it would feel like if I had it now. (example: holding the lottery ticket in your hand after just seeing your numbers coming up.) That would be now. Every one of your pictures must have a (wow - that's mine, I did that, this will be your greatest most exciting adventure) feeling behind it.
The Beinging pictures. These are just pictures that remind me of who I am. They are reminders for a life that will heavily challenge me (I may become stressed) and sometime forget who I am. Remember, This is my greatest adventure, and stess allows me to improve and strenghen my focus, mindfulness and centerness. (thank you stress, with out you, I would not be as strong.) I have seen some powerful oak tree hold against some powerful winds, But I rather be the plane.
Dive is the most challenging for me. Only because in the past, I have picked up and focus on too many things. (example: One big powerful armored truck making one stop compared to all these tiny little moped scooter screaming at only 35 MPH with their tiny little baskets in the back making all these tiny little deliveries going everywhere because all these things need to be fixed.) BAD, BAD, BAD place to be. NO MORE!!!
So back to DRIVE-ing that one big powerful armored truck. :-) How much do I desire my life. I will let my action speak for me. What else is my dive. I am alittle angery on the way human beings treat human beings. So what is need behind my anger, needing to see more love and compassion in the world. What does this mean? I must be the change that I want to see in the world. So my drive - what would it be like, feeling like, if everybody lived with love, compassion and with full mindfulness. That is a world I want to create and live in.
So how about you? What are you create in you world?
|Posted on February 9, 2016 at 12:25 AM|
So check this out. In the last 5 months alone, I have been seeing people...or more like they have been finding me with the business cards I have been passing out abut my nonprofit, wanting to meet to see if I am real and wanting to talk. WOW is all I have to say. Almost all have been past victim survivors sharing their stories, heart breaking, putting you to your knees, sad amazing stories. Some of them moving me and sometimes feeling like shit for what I did. It has been at least once a week that I have been meeting people. I have asked if I can share their stories and most can't let me do that yet.
From what I am seeing, EVERYBODY KNOWS SOMEBODY WHO HAS BEEN SEXUAL ABUSES/OFFENDED. This is so sad. Is this what is underlining our communities across the country?
And from what I am experiencing, people are wanting to come out to be heard. They want to tell their stories without all the judgment. So what do I mean. This is a story I have made from 9 different people that I have combined. This is why I want to start a national conversation on how to create a new approach on sexual abuse. How do we start talking about it. I am also looking into ways in creating surrogate healing and interventions. Thank you everybody.
THESE, THEM, THOSE ... (THESE) being the "normal" (these normal people) have never been abuse and if we have, we will never let you know. We will pretend normal, we will sometimes carry a blind eye to all the pain around us so we are not affected. We function normal so we won't have to be one of THEM or one of THOSE. Look, we have perfect kids, look I have the perfect spouse, we live in the perfect community. Look at our perfect (lies) I mean lives. Look ice cream in every hand. Don't ask, don't tell. Sex offends only come from prison. Keep them there.
(THEM) the offender) the side affects) Why did YOU do that. I never taught you that. Did you learn those behaviors from you friends or T.V.? I have just earned the most horrible, worthless , should be shit on and shot - PARENT AWARD - We and the community are going to have you stone you, so we and your other family members can be NORMAL. What were you thinking?.... You are my spouse, and you changed, I did everything for you and this is how you return the favor. Why didn't you tell me you were broken. Were you one of THOSE people? You have just made me looked.....
(THEM) being the offender)....Why did I do this? How did this all start? I didn't see that I was hurting anybody. They were my friend. I've earned their trust in me. I lead them in the truth. I knew them for years. I grew up with them. We work together. Our kids play together. I thought they understood. I can hide this, I am still a good person. My spouse wants a normal life, I have to think about my kids having a normal lives too. I can fix this. There is no help and no one to ask. I will just pretend this never happened. We will be one of (THESE) normal families. We will not be one of THEM or one of THOSE!!! I am perfect and I don't need help.
(THOSE) (Victim) Why did this happen to me. I didn't ask for this. Am I being punished for something and if so... TELL ME WHY!!! This kind of stuff don't happen to good people, so why me? What did I do wrong? I trusted them. I love them. They were supposed to protect me. What the F#CK?!? One of THEM did this to me. But who will accept me now. I AM STILL A GOOD PERSON AND I AM NOT BROKEN, but people keep looking at me as if I am one of THOSE people. Am I broken? Can I have a normal life? I will be one of THESE normal people and not one of THEM or one of THOSE.
|Posted on January 16, 2016 at 12:50 AM|
You heard me right, most people don't know that you can reprogram the brain. And it can be easy with the right words, picture and images you wish to feed it. So what are you feeding you brain in the morning. May I show you mine? Here are only a few. These are only 5, but I do use more. The 6 Phase Meditation I use every day. Some of them I only watch for 5 to 7 minutes. Only a part of my reprogramming tools. :-)
|Posted on December 20, 2015 at 2:45 AM|
I am seeing a problem here. What I am seeing is that the universe is answering the questions I have been asking it. But lately, they have been asked in fear, pain, blaming, hurt and even hopelessness. And FAITHFULLY, the universe has been answering my questions. Just writing this stirs emotions. I have experienced that the universe will respond to every thought, word, deed and question. “What have I been doing wrong?” is a bad question to ask. This has been about a forth of my questions lately.
And like a supportive universe it is, it has been answering that question, PAINFULLY.
But I have been keeping record. Slow have been asking the “better questions” and it has made a real differences. I am always learning about the brain where ever I can. It is hard to find brand new information, but all the reminders are just as important. The brain will also help you get there if you know the right questions. The right focus. Clear, Precise, Detailed and Relevant I just hear today. In N.V.C. what needs are these questions meeting. What feeling are arising from these questions.
So the one that is alive for me now is this US vs. Them. And I see it from both sides. People that have offended in there past asking for more fair rights across the U.S.. I totally understand that. And on the state side, government side, D.O.C./prison side who represent the community, are doing what they can to ensure safety and security. What feelings they are asking them in is between them and the universe, disempowering or not.
But what I have seen is this battle from both sides fighting over rights. US vs. Them.
So am I one of Them or am I apart of US.
I AM BOTH.
This is OUR problem to solve, there can never be a them if we are going to solve this problem and find a healthy balance. People may not get this, but there are fathers on both side. Mothers, sisters, family members, dear and close friends, (even if it was only at one time)
ON BOTH SIDES. Offender do not come from prisons, they came from the communities.
And the communities are asking the universe, “why is all this happening?” “who's to blame?”
“Will this stuff ever stop?” (hopelessness) “Will we ever get better rights and treated more fairly?” (hopelessness) (maybe ever fear, hurt and anger) I see blame in there too.
So Universe, God, Being (what ever is in your heart)
How do I show that we are all in this together. How do I find and show that there are answers to meet the needs of safety, security and fairness.
What must I do to lower sexual offending/abuse and raise consciousness, healing and love?
I am Seeing Our Situations.
Lets do this, let do this NOW. :-)
|Posted on December 2, 2015 at 7:00 PM|
This might be hard for the mind to grab because it is so simple. 3 key phaises.
1# I AM ENOUGH!!!
2# I MATTER!!!
3# I AM VALUABLE!!!
If these 3 key phaises were written down where you could see them and say them everyday for 3 months. This will change your life forever. I mean put them on the mirror, on your I-phone to go off every 3 hours, somewhere around your bed. This will change the inprint of your mind about you.
Think you it, a person who knew they were enough, who knew they mattered, knew that they were valuable does not need to look outside of themselves for happiness or (what they think could make them happy) this would stop the self medicating from their pain or (lack of ) in their life.
So I dare you to try it. I dare you to try it just to see for your self how it changes your life.
Then and only then will you (know) (feel) and (experience) the paradigm shift in your brain.
Would you tell your friends about it if it works?
Then you would know and have experieced the secret. :-)
I am taking one your her classes on mindvalleyacademy.com
Amazing...reminds me of a little like N.V.C.
|Posted on November 30, 2015 at 4:50 AM|
So far, the way I have been spreading the news about my work and the mission of the nonprofit is most will ask? "what is it that you do for a living?" Then I will tell them about the work that I do for the nonprofit. Then they ask me why are choosing to lower the rate of sexual offending. Then I tell them about my past. It blows most people away. The most interesting part, everybody (100%) that I have shared my story with has told me their feelings, own stories or how it has inpacked them. To me, it seems that most people knows someone that has been sexual abuse\offended. WOW!!! I can not tell you how many people have shared some kind of story. And Thank You. This does surprise me. But not like the story that I am about to share.
O.K. I was working though a temp to work service when I met this guy. I was going over the nonprofit with a friend when this guy was over hearing our conversation. We were outside and when my friend left, this guy started yelling at me giving me a peice of his mind. I straight up ask him if he want the sexual abuse to stop? My judgement was he was sexual abuse himself. So in so strange way, I felt that I should take a little of his abuse.
So I ask, is there a justified abuse that a person should take? Should anybody take any kind of abuse? Me, I say no. But I am always open to being wrong. I am here to tell you, It was hard for me to hear him, give him space and give him empathy while feeling so little and feeling entitled to defend myself. So I did the best I could, which I feel was not my best, feeling that this guy did not deserve my best and fighting with my judgement inside my head. Too Heavy.
So I got the cold shoulder for about 2 day until he started asking questions. "So why did you do it?" "Would you do it again if you could get away with it?" "Who put you in charge of starting this national conversation?" "Why do you think people care?" Now if his questions weren't (my judgement) too stupid, I would still respond. This was still hard from feeling so little, but in my mind to me he was abused. Now let me get this straight, I did not like him, I owned him shit!!! I am only hoping that my answer might provide some closure for him. I will still treat him as a human being. Hard tho.
But how should you treat a human being liking him or not? And I knew there would be others that would ask the same question that I did like, that I felt who were entitled to answers. Is anybody really entitled to anything? But then his questions started changing. (Thank God.) "So what would you have differently to have stop the abuse?" " Did you know that you where hurting her?" "What advice would you give to help someone?" " What program would you recommend?" "What changed your life?"
The truth was that these questions were harder to answer, especially when people just want honesty, openness, transparency, authenticity, and most of all, real connention. So I told him about some of the programs I used before prison that help alot. What they use in prison and then I told him about N.V.C. (Non Violent Communication), tragic expression of unmet needs. What need are you trying to meet and the feelings behind them. How can you meet those needs in a healthy way? The difference between a person having thoughts over the person acting them out. How a person medicates personal pain. All the thing you can do way before the sexual abuse even happens. Creating space and openness to hear, creating empathy.
Then I stopped working at the temp agency and got a better job.
That was months ago. Than I run across him on the light rail. He asked if he could buy me lunch and talk. Now hear me, we are still not friends at this piont, I was not really happy to see him. I would call him a little rough around the edges. I wound even think he has been to prison, but he has not. E-E-E-E-e-e how could I pass up a free lunch? He sparked my interest when he asked the lady for a booth in the back corner. As soon as we got our plates, he started talking.
He want to apologize for the hurt he might have caused. When I was talking about the nonprofit and why I wanted to start it, His own struggle became very alive for him. He was never sexual abused like I thought. He said that he was struggling with (it). He never clarified what (it) was and I never asked him. His church teaches N.V.C and has gone though all 13 lessons twice. His family life has improved dramatically. They talk better and much more openly and they do more family things too. They are much closer too.
His relationship with his wife has gotten better and he knew how to ask for more support. He felt connected enough to share with his wife about his struggles. He told me he was so scared, but it was worth facing his fear. His wife has been so supportive and it has allowed them to grow closer.
But he wanted me to know that he was dealing what was live in him, that it was not me. He was dealing with his problem, not me. He brought his head in closer and said it one more time. My... problems,.. not... you. He feels that there will be a lot of people who will act aggressively towards me because of what might be alive in them...not you. He ask a request of me. Please do not take anything personal. It's not you. You do not know what a person is fighting with. Remember it is thier problems, not you. Even their fears. It is there fear they are dealing with,..not...you. And treat them kind. Those are some wise words from a man's experiece. I know he has at least 10 years on me. That is so funny, people were like that in prison too. The one that harssed known sex offenders were sex offender themselves.
He feels that this is a mission from God and I should not let God down. He ask if I had many supporters, I said a few. We finished our lunch and we were heading out. Befor we went our own ways, he wanted me to know that he was one of my biggest supports and so was his wife. But right now, he supports me from the back, but if God willing, he would step up. He wanted to me to know that I would have a lot of back stage supporters that I may never know, but they are there. God has away of coming from the back surprise everyone. And he had a gut feeling that said, it will be there. So be of good cheer.
And then he said, "one more thing, A lot of people will test you to see if you are for real. So don't let them down." I am here to tell you, I needed to hear that. I kinda knew, but it was nice to be reminded. But I soooo need to hear all of that message. And I wanted to share it, so I asked if I could post it. He said sure, as long as you give me the chiose of stepping forward on my own first... DONE.
So I hugged the old man, he was now more than a friend. I am so moved that he told me that. All that. The truth was I need to hear that. I needed to feel that. And after our hug, then I watch him wake away. No number swap, no e-mail, no dinner at my house, just only next time.
So where do we go from here? :-)